Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, humour, lad humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
I found myself running into a shoe shop today to shelter from a torrential downpour of rain. I wasn’t looking to buy any shoes it just happened to be the first door that was open, so I ran in.
After fifteen minutes, I’d obviously done the preliminary rounds of pretending to be interested in buying a pair of shoes, but the rain was getting even worse. There were also three other people sheltering from the rain and trying to look like customers. This feigned interest whilst dripping wet is quite the skill to perfect if you happen to be a pedestrian without an umbrella. The bloke over in the far corner looks like a real seasoned pro at this. He’s already tried on a pair of shoes and I notice his quick glances outside to see how long he has to keep this up for.
After twenty-five minutes in this tiny little shoe shop it’s now blindly obvious to everyone that the only three people in the whole shop are sheltering from the rain – which is now coming down in sheets. I am considering buying the cheapest pair of shoes in the shop to justify me spending half an hour in there dripping water on the carpet. And then the rain stops and we all pile out into the street together with that ‘I know that you know that I know’ look on our faces.
Next time I am gonna find me a bus shelter like everyone else.
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, culture, funny, humour, lad humour, lad stuff, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, writing
I have been trying to grow a beard for about two months. This would imply that I am actively involved in the pursuit of beard growing from the root of the verb ‘to try.’ I am not actually doing anything. The beard is growing itself. Most of this happens when I am asleep, because the following morning there has been some developments. My face is longer and heavier… and itchier!
I found a friggin’ spider in my beard today. This means that insects are laying eggs in my face – which also means that my face looks like a good place to lay eggs if you’re an insect. Because this doesn’t fit with my self-image I have shaved off the last two months’ worth of liberated follicles along with the nesting site for the next generation of daddy long legs for my bath plughole. I found this little boy’s face hiding underneath the beard, blinking bashfully in the mirror.
DT
Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, food, funny, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
A can of baked beans in tomato sauce is a deadly weapon far more effective and innocuous than a can of rape spray. You heard it here first!
A woman is walking home late at night carrying a tin of baked beans in a plastic shopping bag. Step1: Man accosts lone female in the street. Step2: Woman swings the beans around in a wide arc over her head several times until a suitable velocity is reached and then smashes it down onto the intruder’s head. Step3: Impact knocks the intruder out stone cold and squirts cold beans all over his face and neck. Step4: Police arrive on the scene and want to know what happened. Woman states that she went to the mini-market to buy some beans for her dinner and was attacked on the way home.
CASE CLOSED.
DT
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Treading on cold, day-old dog food feels like the worse thing you could tread on at the time. It’s even more bizarre if you don’t actually own a dog! This is closely followed by cat food, and then fish food. But this all pales in comparison on the leaderboard when compared to treading on an upturned plug in your bare feet. I’ll let that one sink in for a while…. Picture the ball of your bare foot – fully body weight bearing down on those thick metal prongs. I can go one better – bare feet of course – treading on those cheap Christmas fairy lights with the spiky base. Ok, I’m on a roll – an upturned plug wrapped in cheap Christmas fairy lights and covered in dog food! That’s gotta ruin your Christmas!!
DT
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Some burps just happen naturally and discreetly like sneezes. Others – usually the mightier ones – we have to work out of our system by invoking them from a far deeper and altogether darker place. Thinking I was alone this afternoon, I was in the middle of summoning Conan the Barbarian from the caverns of my stomach when my girlfriend suddenly appeared and unknowingly leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I roared a knee wobbling burp – she kissed me. Let’s say it was a mutual shock!
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, dick jokes, humour, lad humour, lad stuff, life, literary journalism, men behaving badly, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, swimming pools, thought for the day, toilet humour
If you piss in the swimming pool a cloud of chemically-active purple mist allegedly billows outwards from beneath your legs to show everyone you’ve pissed in the water. I’ve never seen this and I don’t know anyone who has ever done it or witnessed it either, but I’ve lived with this fear since I was a kid. Why purple anyway? Why not red or orange? A rainbow arcing out of your privates would be mortally embarrassing.
I haven’t been to a public swimming pool in years but I really want to put this theory to the test once and for all. I want my kids to be able freely piss in the swimming pool without the same fears I had to live with.
I’ve got a urine sample bottle from the doctor’s surgery that would make the perfect molotov cocktail when filled with piss and lobbed into a swimming pool from the spectators gallery. How many other unsubstantiated theories have I dragged into my adulthood. How about the one that claims if you sneeze with your eyes open, then your eyeballs will pop out of your head swinging from their optic nerves like a yo-yo. Once again – do you know anyone that’s ever witnessed this? Apparently, it’s physically impossible to sneeze with your eyes open but I’ve seen A Clockwork Orange so I know you can force your eyelids open. I haven’t got the balls to try it on myself so I’m looking for a stray dog to try it out on.
DT
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I can’t play shit, and I have tried and can’t play for shit. Yet, this hasn’t stopped me from designing T-shirts, band logos and even names of songs. For about fifteen years, I have been the swaggering front man of The Great Jelly Bean Diet, headlining nightly on the Lesbian Toothpick Tour in the festivals of my imagination. My name is Micky Glow-worm or Spleen P. Sprinkler Jnr and I always finish my set by pissing into the crowd whilst vomiting onto my cock. The chicks love it. Actually, that was the finale fifteen years ago, and then I get carried off the stage whilst masturbating a black pudding. Things have changed since then, and after an extended leave of absence after the drummer OD’d on jelly beans (he had a low glycemic index) The Great Jelly Bean Diet reformed as a Catholic rock band. Our biggest gig was Liverpool Cathedral where I closed the set by giving Holy Communion and baptising two Born Again twins from Blackpool.
DT
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Why haven’t chip shops caught onto the idea of curried mash? I have now been in secret possession of this simple recipe for twelve hours and it’s quite frankly burning a hole in my pocket!! I feel like I am doing a disservice to the builders of Britain if I cling onto this any longer. I added curry powder to some pretty dour looking boiled spuds last night (I add curry powder to anything that looks dour, food being a popular one) and upon stirring in the sprinkles to over-boiled spuds created an oil painting of some considerable ambrosia! Chips and curry sauce – stick em together and … curried mash. (Why does chip shop curry sauce always have a stray pea floating in it?)
DT
Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
Do you ever have a day when you try and figure your entire life out from the armchair? Well, that’s basically every day for me. I wake up, stretch, yawn and get down to the task of figuring out where the hell I am going and how I will get there. By midday, I have been through every permutation of possible lives I could lead and then dismissed everything and settle on the fact that I was actually going in the right direction last night when I went to bed!!!!
DT
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Is there a painless way to carry shopping bags home? I’m talking of course about those plastic bags that take about one million years to degrade in landfill and near cripple you for the brief time you come into their working life. Tally up the work/life balance here – they are made, work for about half an hour and then spend a million years in a subterranean retirement home. In contrast, organic hemp bags lead a full career and are retired with military honours.
There’s a major realization a mile from Tesco’s that your fingers are blue and the last time you remember feeling them was about half a mile ago! At the one mile point, doubts start to creep in about getting the bus after all. You’re too povo to buy a car and thought you’d brave the pain to save £1 bus fair. At the two mile point you’re fully committed and you start to think of ways to spend your £1 saving to take your mind off the fact that gangrene has set in from the second knuckle. You’ve got no mates who would be willing to pick you up, and can now openly consider yourself the saddest loneliest bastard within a two mile radius of the supermarket. So, you start to swap bags around, chuck the soup in that bag and displace the weight. This helps for about ten minutes until you stop again in that bent-over crunch position by the side of the road trying to separate skin from plastic. It’s worse if you happen to be with a woman; well my woman to be precise. I get comments like “come on tuff guy,” or “do you want me to take one for you?” The standard male ego response to this attack on the size of my genitals can only be “I need to balance the weight luv…. I’m Okay!” I am a f**king liar – go ahead and tell her you are dying here by the side of the road like road kill in silent a prayer to the God of public transport to deliver a minibus.
DT
