Thought for the Day -

If I was writing a thesis for a psychology PhD, then I would surely conduct my research on the London Underground. Apparently, we evolved from monkeys and missed picking lice off each other so much that we are now on our way back again. Any semblance of civility, nobility, dignity and even common sense migrate like flamingos when we decide to cram our frame onto a London Underground tube carriage at rush hour with enough available space for a field mouse. In fact, the field mouse gets off on the platform, unfolds its legs from the back of its ears and says – “f**k that. I’ll walk.”

There’s the restrained panic at the sound of the doors closing when we realize that this sardine existence will be our lives for at least the next two minutes – but more like ten. Avoiding all possible angles of eye contact, I stare at this woman’s coat button like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve seen in years. I realize that someone else is also staring at the same button in equal fascination, so I quickly switch my gaze to a steel screw on the handrail that nobody has yet claimed. Adverts must make a killing on the tube. Then there’s the businessman who has been living this nightmare for so many years he’s desensitized to it. He’s actually trying to read the newspaper. I love these people because their attempt at opening the newspaper means reading it in three inches of text from an origami swan. Novels are good – stick to novels, and get someone else to be your page turner for you.

One Christmas I saw something that was so incredulous I still can’t believe it. I was on the platform at Bond Street on the Central Line when this guy walks out onto the platform dragging a12ft unboxed Christmas tree behind him. Picture the scene – three shopping days before Christmas and the platform is as frenetic as a termite mound that has just been chopped in half by a chain saw. I had been waiting for 20 minutes just to get close enough to a train in the vague hope of actually getting inside it. You could just about slide a playing card from one end of the platform to the another, and there was this cocksucker with the tree. I could hear the piercing sound of vocal objection as commuters were being harpooned by trees branches. This guy had somehow managed to squeeze his way to the front of the platform, mainly due to people diving out of the way of the sharp branches. The only thing funnier than witnessing the grimaces and moans from the platform, was the utter shock and disbelief on the faces of the people inside the train as the doors slide apart to reveal the tree. Mouths gaped open like feeding coy carp mouthing silent expressions of ‘wadthafuk’ as this dude tried to force the tree onto the carriage. At this point, the guys in the CCTV booth must have somehow summoned enough strength from rolling around choking on laughter, and were on the platform removing the man and his tree before someone’s eyeball became a Christmas bauble.

Some people!!