Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, food, funny, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
A can of baked beans in tomato sauce is a deadly weapon far more effective and innocuous than a can of rape spray. You heard it here first!
A woman is walking home late at night carrying a tin of baked beans in a plastic shopping bag. Step1: Man accosts lone female in the street. Step2: Woman swings the beans around in a wide arc over her head several times until a suitable velocity is reached and then smashes it down onto the intruder’s head. Step3: Impact knocks the intruder out stone cold and squirts cold beans all over his face and neck. Step4: Police arrive on the scene and want to know what happened. Woman states that she went to the mini-market to buy some beans for her dinner and was attacked on the way home.
CASE CLOSED.
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, dick jokes, funny, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, men behaving badly, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, weirdos
Some burps just happen naturally and discreetly like sneezes. Others – usually the mightier ones – we have to work out of our system by invoking them from a far deeper and altogether darker place. Thinking I was alone this afternoon, I was in the middle of summoning Conan the Barbarian from the caverns of my stomach when my girlfriend suddenly appeared and unknowingly leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I roared a knee wobbling burp – she kissed me. Let’s say it was a mutual shock!
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, getting old, humour, lad humour, lad stuff, life, literary journalism, men behaving badly, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
I can’t play shit, and I have tried and can’t play for shit. Yet, this hasn’t stopped me from designing T-shirts, band logos and even names of songs. For about fifteen years, I have been the swaggering front man of The Great Jelly Bean Diet, headlining nightly on the Lesbian Toothpick Tour in the festivals of my imagination. My name is Micky Glow-worm or Spleen P. Sprinkler Jnr and I always finish my set by pissing into the crowd whilst vomiting onto my cock. The chicks love it. Actually, that was the finale fifteen years ago, and then I get carried off the stage whilst masturbating a black pudding. Things have changed since then, and after an extended leave of absence after the drummer OD’d on jelly beans (he had a low glycemic index) The Great Jelly Bean Diet reformed as a Catholic rock band. Our biggest gig was Liverpool Cathedral where I closed the set by giving Holy Communion and baptising two Born Again twins from Blackpool.
DT
Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
Do you ever have a day when you try and figure your entire life out from the armchair? Well, that’s basically every day for me. I wake up, stretch, yawn and get down to the task of figuring out where the hell I am going and how I will get there. By midday, I have been through every permutation of possible lives I could lead and then dismissed everything and settle on the fact that I was actually going in the right direction last night when I went to bed!!!!
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, getting old, humour, lad humour, lad stuff, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
I am 34 and I have lost my jaw line. I don’t quite know when it happened but I remember last seeing it when I was 33. Where did my jaw line go?
I am not exactly fat and I didn’t chase it off my face with a cheeseburger that’s for sure. I notice Facebook photos of some old school friends that have also lost their jaw lines too. How did this happen? Does the mid-thirties jaw fairy come to claim your jaw? I’ve since realized that the chin area has been colonized by the expanding neck, which is somehow attached to a pair of man boobs. A process that can only be described as a middle-age spread has attacked my body from the waist up. I have the legs of a chicken and the midriff of a robin redbreast and it just seems to be getting worse. In my mid-twenties, I was once told you could slice cheese on my cheekbones. Nowadays, they look like two large balls of Edam cheese. My body is changing and soon the final shame will be upon me – ear fuzz!
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, fraud, funny, girl humour, girls, homeless people, humour, journalism, lad humour, life, love, office humour, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, serious stuff, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, toilet humour, writing | Tags: literary journalism, comedy writing, life, humour, thought for the day, culture, opinion, perspective, philosophy, society, random, stupid thoughts, being alive, stupid, random stuff, lad humour, stupid stuff, lad stuff, bad boy, men behaving badly, getting old, funny
Every city has bums begging for change – fact. Sometimes I give and sometimes I don’t. There’s no hard and fast rule for me in dealing with bums other than to try and momentarily work out if this person is really in need of help or just a lazy bum who has dropped out of society. How does one go about actively becoming a bum anyway? I have often fantasised about turning up one day in an unfamiliar city and just sitting on the pavement amongst soiled chewing gum, rolling up cigarettes and slowing growing one big flat dreadlock.
I do give change to drug addicts – and yes, I know they will buy drugs with it. All judgement aside, here’s a guy begging for change in the rain under an ATM machine. There’s no dignity here and his life is evidently far, far shittier than mine so I can spare a few coins to ease my own guilt if nothing else.
We’ve all heard the same stories before, and you may begrudge this bum some change for a meal or a bed for the night, but would you begrudge him a dump? With public toilets in London now charging between 20p – 50p, where does a homeless man take a crap? I may not care if this guy starves to death or sleeps in a bus shelter but I don’t want him having to take a shit in a multi-story car park. Come on, give the guy a break and give generously. When was the last time you had to take a shit on tarmac?
DT
Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, humour, journalism, life, love, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, drunken humour, getting old, girl humour, housing, lad humour, life, literary journalism, love, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, serious stuff, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, toilet humour
A few years ago when I was working as a housing officer, I had a drunken tenant in a block of flats that was up all night causing the rest of the block sleepless nights. After several unsuccessful attempts at resolving the problem I decided to move him immediately or risk finding him lynched one morning. He wasn’t a bad bloke – just a repentant drunk who didn’t know what he was doing after two litres of cider. I don’t think anyone else would either! I had one available empty ground floor flat that was proving hard to occupy as the woman upstairs was a raving drunk. Voila! Two raving drunks who can’t remember a thing the next day. Perfect.
I moved him in and things went exactly as I thought they would, but with an added twist. They fell in love. It was an affair sponsored by Strongbow, and I don’t think either one of them knew the other one’s name. Then one day, the bloke dropped dead and I had the task of telling the woman upstairs that her brief love affair was over. Not only did she not believe me, but she carried on acting as if he was still alive, stuffing love letters through the letterbox and proclaiming her desire for him through the carpet at the flat downstairs.
The moral of the story is – the distinction between being dead and being dead drunk resides in the fact that even though you’re dead, there may still be someone who is dead drunk that wants to shag you. Don’t ever underestimate the power of beer goggles.
Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, life, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, getting old, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
Walking up a hill with someone’s hand just resting on your lower back somehow convinces your brain that your body is being pushed up the hill. Try it. It makes the climb at least 50% easier, if not more.
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, girls, humour, journalism, lad humour, life, love, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, serious stuff, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: being alive, comedy, culture, food, getting old, girl humour, girls, lad humour, life, literary journalism, love, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, supermarkets, thought for the day, writing
As the advice goes, how do you actually go about meeting someone at a supermarket? Which aisle is more amenable to love? There is something very romantic about dairy (cow’s tits, milk maids, etc) so I would personally opt for midway down the cheese and margarine aisle. Single people have cats, so look out for the cat food in their trolley.
Have you noticed the basic flaw in this theory – people do not speak to each other in a supermarket, so unless you’re stacking shelves and someone asks you where the gluten free pasta is, starting a conversation could be tricky. You’ll need a better icebreaker than ‘can I help you carry your cheese,’ or “haven’t I seen you by the McVitie’s biscuits before?”
Real supermarket love is offering your ticket at the deli counter or making eye contact in the dried fruit section. In a world of consumables and bright lights eye contact is king. Dress for the occasion. Walking past the bleach dressed in a backless ball gown might be overstretching the limits of subtlety, and will make you shiver uncontrollably by the frozen peas.
