Filed under: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, humour, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, humour, lad humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
I found myself running into a shoe shop today to shelter from a torrential downpour of rain. I wasn’t looking to buy any shoes it just happened to be the first door that was open, so I ran in.
After fifteen minutes, I’d obviously done the preliminary rounds of pretending to be interested in buying a pair of shoes, but the rain was getting even worse. There were also three other people sheltering from the rain and trying to look like customers. This feigned interest whilst dripping wet is quite the skill to perfect if you happen to be a pedestrian without an umbrella. The bloke over in the far corner looks like a real seasoned pro at this. He’s already tried on a pair of shoes and I notice his quick glances outside to see how long he has to keep this up for.
After twenty-five minutes in this tiny little shoe shop it’s now blindly obvious to everyone that the only three people in the whole shop are sheltering from the rain – which is now coming down in sheets. I am considering buying the cheapest pair of shoes in the shop to justify me spending half an hour in there dripping water on the carpet. And then the rain stops and we all pile out into the street together with that ‘I know that you know that I know’ look on our faces.
Next time I am gonna find me a bus shelter like everyone else.
DT
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I have been trying to grow a beard for about two months. This would imply that I am actively involved in the pursuit of beard growing from the root of the verb ‘to try.’ I am not actually doing anything. The beard is growing itself. Most of this happens when I am asleep, because the following morning there has been some developments. My face is longer and heavier… and itchier!
I found a friggin’ spider in my beard today. This means that insects are laying eggs in my face – which also means that my face looks like a good place to lay eggs if you’re an insect. Because this doesn’t fit with my self-image I have shaved off the last two months’ worth of liberated follicles along with the nesting site for the next generation of daddy long legs for my bath plughole. I found this little boy’s face hiding underneath the beard, blinking bashfully in the mirror.
DT
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A few years ago, a friend of mine showed me how all traffic lights have a tiny revolving cone under the control panel to aid people who have a hearing and sight impairment. Did you know this? It’s certainly a golden moment when we chance upon something that has existed for years just beyond the boundaries of our knowledge. Did you know that all biro pens have an air hole in the tube and in the pen top in case a child swallows it?
Until recently, I didn’t know that you can record your voice on a mobile phone. Well, how about this one then – a zipper that locks. I mean actually locks like a key so that if you’re fat and bend over (ahm… like a friend of mine) your gut doesn’t hang through the fly like a donut in a ripped bag. When trying on a pair of jeans, I demonstrated to the sales assistant how when I bend over the zipper comes undone all on its own. Err …I mean my friend did and I was with him. She was a big fat bird herself and could obviously relate to my situation, so she stretched out a chubby paw, yanked the zip up to the top teeth and pressed the zip down – whereby it locked into place.
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, funny, girl humour, humour, lad humour, life, love, new ideas, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, society, stupid thoughts, the asshole, thought for the day, thoughts, toilet humour, writing | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, dick jokes, funny, gay humour, lad humour, lad stuff, life, literary journalism, men behaving badly, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, society, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, toilet humour
Toilet paper illustrators should have more fun. For one, they have a niche little corner of the market to play around with yet spend their time working on Christmas trees or cute little animal designs to print on toilet paper. Get an image of a puppy dog, and then cover it in shit. Not so cute after all, eh? I propose printing little tongues or noses, indented and poised to lick and sniff. Why not have a sense of humour about it? Ask anyone what illustrations they have on their toilet roll and you’d likely score a blank – which is a good thing, coz if you’re shopping specifically for toilet paper illustrations then your life is over.
DT
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If this isn’t illegal it probably should be, yet we all do it. You get in the car with your duffel coat on and the six layers underneath to keep out the winter cold. You blast the heater and then overheat by the time you’ve made it to the first set of traffic lights. Now, here’s the dilemma plain and simple. You gotta get that damn coat off but you don’t have time to take the seatbelt off, remove the coat and put the seatbelt back on again before the line of cars behind you start sounding their horn. What do you do? You do it whilst your driving AND whilst you’re wearing the seatbelt! And do we think of pulling over to take it off safely – never crossed my mind officer!
DT
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There’s a book called ‘Highlights in the History of Concrete,’ that has sold enough copies for it to still be in print. Who on earth is buying this book?
I like the idea of writing a serious factual book on a subject so utterly disinteresting to everyone that it actually becomes interesting for this very reason. It’s reverse psychology, like people who wear clothes that are so out of fashion they are actually in fashion. I am currently undertaking research for three books which I hope to enter into a new bookshelf category at Waterstones bookstore called - Disinterested Awareness:
Large Candles – The Facts.
How to Comb Blond Hair with Your Fingers.
The North Atlantic Manual of Paper Cuts 2009.
DT
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The Hard Rock café I was eating in today had a pink Cadillac suspended from the roof directly above me. There’s surely no way it could fall, but I still couldn’t enjoy my curly fries for fear of it landing on my head. I then made myself laugh at the thought of my own obituary – ‘hit by a pink Cadillac whilst eating curly fries.”
When you think of all the freak accidents that happen every day, there’s an administration clerk at the registry of births, deaths and marriages that has to record them onto death certificates. The term ‘death by misadventure’ is very appropriate to me being squashed by a Cadillac with curly fries poking out of my broken skull.
DT
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Have a look through your photos and see just how many strangers are in them; especially photos taken in public places. There are people walking past; people in the background and even up close and personal who are complete strangers. Now, have you ever thought just how many strangers’ photos you are in – some probably framed on walls or on top of fireplaces. Your face is framed in the bedrooms and living rooms of people you have never, and will never meet. You don’t know these people from a bar of soap yet they have your photo on their wall and in their photo album. There’s also a chance you’ve been inadvertently added to a personalized photo gift from someone you don’t know to someone else you don’t know. How weird is that? There may be calendars, cushions, greetings cards and tea coasters with your face on it in the homes of complete strangers.
Your image has likely made it overseas too – to a Japanese dining room, a German hallway, and an outhouse in Papua New Guinea.
DT
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The emphasis is on “look” gay as opposed to being gay, or even acting gay.
I am an espresso-drinking straight man who happened to catch a reflected glimpse of myself today in a café. My entire frame is wrapped around a tiny little cup, and unless I tape in the little finger to a bigger one it involuntarily sticks out and makes me look gay. My clothes are too crap to be an aristocrat or a gay man, so at best I can pass myself off as metro sexual.
The general rule is the bigger the bloke, and the further away from Paris he happens to be sipping an expression – the gayer he looks. Gay men and theatre directors should be the only men drinking espresso in the UK.
DT
Filed under: bad boy, being alive, comedy, comedy writing, culture, fraud, funny, humour, journalism, lad humour, life, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, serious stuff, society, stupid thoughts, thought for the day, thoughts, writing | Tags: bad boy, being alive, comedy writing, culture, fraud, funny, humour, life, literary journalism, opinion, perspective, philosophy, random, random stuff, serious stuff, society, street scams, stupid, stupid stuff, stupid thoughts, thought for the day
Street scams are like internet scams – we know about them in theory and then it’s usually too late when we find out about them in practice.
Tourists are particularly susceptible to street scamS, but even on home soil some of them are almost believable. A young girl in her early twenties approached me in the street today with a clipboard and a sponsorship form on disabled children which she had obviously photocopied. There were a few names already on the list as she presented it to me with her thumb over the donations column. There was no ID badge. She was obviously a fraud and I told her so and moved on with my day. I then got to thinking how I would turn myself into a credible street scam money machine, and just at that point a nun walks past me. Rather, it was a woman wearing a nun’s habit that I automatically assumed to be a nun, and herein rests the tools for simple emotional manipulation.
Who would question the sincerity of one wearing the holy garments? I wouldn’t, and I certainly wouldn’t ignore a nun, a priest or an arch-bishop who stopped me in the street in the same way I would a ‘chugger’ (charity mugger) shaking a tin. Any cause will do – after all, I am not giving to the cause I am giving to God’s servant.
I’m sure it would be far easier to make a dog-collar from a cereal box than an Arch-bishop’s mitre from a baseball glove, but either way this is a scam that I will never use for fear of being struck down by a thunderbolt … and because I am a morally transparent member of society, of course.
DT
